When I was 16 years old I asked my grandmother
"Granny, what was it like to have to bury a child (my daddy)?" she simply replied "it's a feeling I cannot describe, and it's a feeling I would not want another mother to experience. Your father was my oldest, he could know I needed something and he would just appear. My late grandmother had a way with words when it came to my father. To be honest she was one of the only people I could talk to about my father, she would give it to me real, and for that I am forever grateful! My father is a subject I bring up every now & then, but I have noticed over the past couple years making the transition from boyhood into manhood, has been especially difficult for me. I often wonder how my life would be had my dad been present the past 19 years. Had he not walked out the door early that October morning.
The morning started normal, I woke up in between he and my stepmother, which is where I slept when I visited them, I had recently been diagnosed with asthma, so I was not feeling too good early in the morning, so he went to get me some medicine. He came home gave me the medication, took a shower, and as we were sitting in the living room, he said "I'll be back later or I'll see y'all later" I remember asking daddy can I go, he replied we will do something later this evening. The morning went on pretty normal, until my grandfather came by and took my stepmom into her room, and all I heard was a scream saying "Mr. Gilbert no......." my brother and I ran to see what happened, and she said "Y'all's daddy is gone" I don't remember much about the week following I just remember it was very emotional. As I fast forward 19 years later, I am now 24 years old, and I look at how blessed I am. I had people come into my life, I had a father figure, I had god parents, who stepped in.
People that have not experienced it cannot possibly understand the loss of a parent, even in my case where I didn't know him or recall very many things. I think the hardest thing is have to rely on what other people have to say, you often deal with a lot of things, like people that make them out to be perfect just becasue they are deceased, or the people that just give it to you, and call out whatever issues they had. As the years passed people stopped visiting the grave it became harder, even myself. So many things go through my head when I think of my father, and my own legacy. I think that is where my want for my own children and family come from. I would want my children to have that relationship I didn't have.
With death also come people's true feelings and motives. When I think of ways I have been treated by family members it give me the drive to be independent, support those who support me, and know I have what many want. My mother has been there for me, and to have a strong parent to step up and raise a son is not easy, so I am indebted to her for the rest of my life as well as my older sister for being like a second mother as well.
So as this day comes every year it's getting a little better with time, I still opt not to work, and just be to myself for the most part.... Thanks to everyone who has help me through this situation!
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