The
Black Gay Men’s Blog advice
column,
Ask Storm, kicks off with a letter from Wes, a 26 year old black gay male living in Oakland, who has been dating a guy for a month and is worried about disclosing his
HIVpositive status. I have received quite a few letters seeking
advice already, but chose to publish this one first, because it is something a lot of black gay men have to deal with, even if we don’t talk about it. Getting back into the dating game can be quite daunting for the HIV positive individual. It is common for some to totally withdraw from the dating scene and stop having sex, because they see themselves as damaged goods and fear rejection. When to disclose is a question asked by HIV positive people of all races, but as black gay men(in the United States) the fear is very real. The stigma of being HIV positive is still a major issue in the black community, which is ironic given the stats. The decision to disclose to potential love interests or sex partners is a very personal one and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Once you have uttered those words, I am HIV positive, you can’t take them back. The more understanding we are, as black gay men, about how difficult it is for some brothers to disclose, the easier it will become for us to have honest dialog. I would like to use this opportunity not just to address Wes’ concerns, but also to make us all think. What would you do if the guy you have been dating told you he was HIV positive? Is it a deal breaker? Would your decision be based on emotion and irrational fear or facts? Would you ditch the greatest man you ever met because of his HIV status?
Dear Storm,
I am a 26 year old black gay male in Oakland, CA and I need some advice on how to deal with the situation I’m in. I’ll try and make it brief. I have been HIV positive for 2 years, but really only started dealing with it a year ago. The first year was a mixture of shock and denial and I basically went to work, came home drank, smoked blunts and locked myself away. Hardly any socializing, no sex etc. About a year ago, I started slowly dealing with my HIV status, went to the doctor, got on meds etc. I started to accept that I was HIV positive and would have to deal with it for the rest of my life. One thing I definitely wasn’t looking forward to was dating and having the HIV talk.
Anyways, about a month ago I went to a spoken word event and met this sexy-azz brother. It was instant chemistry and we were both very comfortable with each other, like old friends or something. We went for drinks after the event and then he asked me back to his place. We were having such a great time, convo flowing, lil buzz going and I hadn’t felt so good in so long. The minute we kissed, it was over, I was like a thirsty mofo, hungry to be touched, like I had come alive again and the next thing I knew we were naked having hot sex. As much as I hadn’t been touched for ages, he wanted me just as much and there was no awkward first time sex, which sometimes happens – it all just flowed.
We have been seeing each other, getting to know each other and we’ve had sex five more times since. We are really feeling each other, get on great and have been pretty inseparable etc. I know I should have told him, but it all happened so fast and each day that passes it gets harder. I am so scared of losing him. We have never had the HIV conversation, which I find kinda weird, he is 32. We always use condoms apart from once when we were both very drunk and high on weed and he entered me raw. I freaked out and after about 2 minutes and he put a condom on. We flip-flop, but he has topped me more, coz I ‘m so paranoid about topping him even with a condom without him knowing my status. My viral load is undetectable by the way.
I am so terrified of losing him coz I feel he could be the one. How do I handle this without ruining everything and losing him. I have to tell him soon, coz I’ve already started acting weird and moody – the guilt is killing me, but I know how black gay men can be when it comes to HIV.
Please help!
Wes in Oakland.
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