2010, whew....it's almost over. I must say 2010 has been everything to me! The year started off cold, and just to be honest BAD. I will say overall I have had the most personal growth in 2010 than any other year.
During the past twelve months, I was forced to grow up, deal with problems that had been hurting and haunting me if not all most of my life. I learned the TRUE meanings of both friendship, and family, I was forced to look in the mirror, and the most scary this was I didn't know who or what I was looking at. I spent the better first half of the year depressed on several different levels, I felt sorry for myself, wanted others to feel sorry for me, and I damn near gave up on thinking I would ever be happy in life.
My love life in 2010:
Well I think I learned the most about myself in dating, and I sure as hell know what I am NO longer willing to put up with. Many of you that follow me know, the year started off rocky for me on the dating from, for the most part I thought I had found the love of my life, and even had a backup. I was lied to, cheated on, and just for the lack of better words, royally screwed over. A few times I began to question myself, and considered changing some things to accommodate people in my life, but I had a change of heart! Mid way through the year I prayed for help in the journey of love in my life, and did he answer my prayers. In July I suffered by far the largest set back in my love life to this day, when I got terrible news about someone I was very involved with, and some things he had done, and been involved in. Those I felt that needed to know about that situation know what happened, and for the most part I am done talking about it and him. I will say I now have the PERMANENT separation from him, that was so hard for me to accomplish on my own. A greater power stepped in a told me to move on, and made it possible for me to do so! I feel to talk about it is a part of my daily healing process, but I will say this it showed me that people know me, and know my heart. It made me see who my true friends were, and that my mother has my back no matter what. It's a daily process, but with much prayer, and therapy I am getting over it!
Then there was ONE, someone else I loved almost more than life itself came in and out of my life. We were the best of lovers, but the worst of friends, and that's just not a good combination! I tried to tuff it out, I let him humiliate me time after time, and still tried to be there, but it was clear that we needed to go in different directions. I thought by dating someone that seemed to be older, more mature, and established, it would be great, and it has not. Turns out he lied, he' still very much confused about life, and just needs to so some heavy soul searching, oh well it's no longer my problem!
In late September, a associate gave me the heads up about a possible job opening\position. I was in no place mentally, physically, or financially to just start over, but I knew I needed some change in my life. I prayed long, hard and deep, and decided to really step out on faith. I started taking the steps I needed to be self sufficient, and with only a few hundred dollars (very few), my camera, computer, and a blackberry my sister gave me I decided to take life by the horns.
On Tuesday September 27th, I had the most difficult job interviews of my life. When I went into the room and closed the door, something told clicked in my head and told me "Terrance, this is that chance for change you need, don't blow this, go in and give it your very best." During that interview, my resume, my Alma Matter, attire, and everything we place such a heavy emphasis on didn't matter quite as much. They wanted to know who was Terrance, and honestly at that point, I didn't even know who I was. I don't recall the exact question, but I had to take a pause, and just ask God to step in, and did he. It seemed that over 25 years of bottled up pain and hurt just came out, as my eyes started to water, and my foot started to shake in my shoes uncontrollably. I closed in my interview by just saying "I know I'm great pick because I've lived, I've lost and I'm living." I got the job offer about two weeks later.
Often times we don't realize just how much one has impacted our life until they are no longer with us. I feel my eyes getting heavy as I type this, but it's a part of my process. It was not until early October I realized how blessed I was to have this particular person in my life for 25 years. This is coming from my heart, and I feel the tears falling....To say that my mother's older brother Maxie was a character would not give him the credit as the amazing individual he was. Often times we glorify people after death, and only remember what we want about them, most of the time to make them look good. When you live in a world where we have false perceptions of what perfect is, and what it's supposed to be it's hard to separate the fact from fiction. I am just going to give the facts....
My mother believes in this thing called unconditional love when it comes to family. In life we love the good time, but never talk about the bad times, we are quick to kick people when they are down, and not try to help them up for many different reasons. My uncle was ALWAYS there for my mother. With him always being there for my mother he was always there for me. He showed me examples of what a brother is supposed to do for his children, parents, siblings, and friends. When I was down and out, he could always find the right words to make whatever situation better. One of our most powerful conversations came back in March while we were in the parking lot of a grocery store in my hometown, when he told me "Nephew, your mother has always been there for me no matter, what, when you have so many other (expletive)'s that just use and abuse you, your mother is the same, has been the same no matter, what, and I could not want for another sister. "Whether it's working at Mc Donalds, or sitting behind that computer nephew you find a way to take care of yourself, and make a way to take care of her, and no matter what remember your family, you come from two of the best." He made sure he reinforced for me to take care of her, and show her unconditional love, he said she is very much like her mother, but things she's wanted to change she has, and that what makes her my sis, I trust her with my life." I knew that was important, but I didn't know what else was going to happen, and I didn't expect to be talking about him in the past tense now. In early October, I rode with my mother to pick him up from the hospital in Temple, Texas. I went up to get him while my mom waited, and I never realized the follow hours would be my last time ever talking to him, but in those few hours I learned so much, and he touched on so many different things. He had just gotten off the phone with his oldest son Julian who lives in California, and he said they had a long, great conversation, I told him I was moving to Dallas the following week, and he told me to do my very best, go to work, have fun, and enjoy life. Now that I think back we were close for many reasons, he was friends with my late father, in the later years of their life he had become a permanent fixture around my late God parents' home helping them with odd jobs, and over the past few years he had lived with my family in Bryan. Through the loss of his own mother, he still talked to me, I would take him food, when he was sick I would make him tea, and advise him to take the medication my mother would get, if not there would be hell to pay from her. He heard me cuss one time, and said "Nephew, I don't know who you sound like, you are even proper with your cussing, and I know that's not from my sister or your daddy". I was in New Orleans, LA training for my new job, when my mother called, and told me she had found him in pretty bad condition can he had been rushed to the hospital, for some reason, I knew things would never be the same. As God started doing his work to prepare a place for him in heaven, I just went into prayer and just praised God for having someone in my life so special. I didn't rush down the highways to stand by his bedside, I had been there when only my mother and grandfather were, I felt no need to make anything. The final conversation we had was a great one, and I left it there, When I received the call that he had passed I remember this blank feeling coming across me, but I felt that his battle was won. Designing his funeral program was a honor, this was a person that knew so much about me, and someone I loved dearly. I knew I was going to need to be strong for those that needed it more. It's only been a few weeks, but I know I have another Angel looking out for me. I have become extremely close with my older cousin Julian, it feels great having another artist in the family, and he is so much like his father, and other siblings. Someone said it seems like you two have grown up together, and I said "we are just our parents' sons!
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